Pull yourself together [and other unhelpful phrases]
Crying at the beginning of my work week has become far too normal. I resigned myself to the fact that I’ll have a terrible night's sleep, planning for worst case scenarios in my mind as the hours ticked by.
And with each minute I should be asleep I grew increasingly frustrated at myself for worrying and getting pulled into this spiral of stress that results in sore eyes, a pounding head and irritability that grinds my jaw together.
I’ve worked myself into such a frantic state that the thought of going in to work today is causing me to cry. Not the tears of a tantrum, or the tears of reluctance. The tears of someone that feels like their emotions are rapidly unravelling like thread and they can’t grasp what or why it’s happening.
I consider calling in sick and question if this would help anything.
I then ask myself why I'm so willing to put myself through this. What would the reason be for me going in today?
To save face?
To confront my demons, with a bruised will and an exhausted mind?
To learn from this experience, as that is how we grow?
My stress response of flight is kicking in and begging me to retreat. My millennial upbringing of powering through is scolding me to pull my socks up and just pull yourself together and all the other unhelpful phrases that are used to override and belittle the body’s intuition.
These phrases drop me in what feels like the thick of the wilderness and I can’t gauge what direction I need to head. I can’t access my own intuition. I can’t see through the tree branches, heavy with foliage, to the other side. I’m emotionally stunted, frozen.
Update: I called in sick and was honest; I had been crying all morning at the thought of coming in; the stress was overwhelming to a point where I couldn’t physically bring myself to leave the flat.
I wanted to be honest because, honestly, what would be the point otherwise? Other people cannot read my mind or know what I'm experiencing if I’m not honest. And I'm no longer content or willing to just power through anything other than a gym class or an extremely large piece of cake.
