It could always be worse

It's like your parents always say, that your career is something you just fall into. Something that just happens to you.

I don’t find the prospect of either of those things very appealing. Something happening to me is unintentional, out of my control. Something to fall into seems ominous – like a deep dark hole that you’re unable to claw your way out of.

So, I find myself on a Sunday evening doing a nervous system calming meditation and ranting to my partner because I’m tying myself in knots about a conversation that felt like a verbal attack and my chimp brain isn’t sure if it was a phone call or a tiger trying to attack me.

The time and energy required to manage my mindset around work only enrages me further. So then of course we’re in a conceptual house of mirrors, being frustrated at being frustrated at being frustrated…

But I’ll work through these difficult emotions. I’ll find ways to navigate my stress responses. Because it’s my job, it’s the thing I’ve fallen into, it’s the thing that’s happened to me.

And it’s not that bad. It could always be worse, I tell myself as I put my lipstick on and dread congeals in my stomach like melted cheese turning cold.

I'm not saying things like this aren’t character shaping and learnings for future difficult conversations, but it only makes me question why the hell I put myself through it?

And that thought settles in my body like a rippling current and I know: this isn't for me.